Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i already hear my dad disowning me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
