Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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