I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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