Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
