Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
