If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
