My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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