Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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