I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
what day is it and did you see me today?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
