just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
