You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
