i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she looked like the before picture.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
