I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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