Screwed.edu
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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