Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
