I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
