we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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