Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
