dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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