im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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