i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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