New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
