I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
