I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
