I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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