It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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