yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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