You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
