Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This house was built for laser tag.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
