he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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