You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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