At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize