Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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