I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
