we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
