So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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