The maid of honor just puked.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
