My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
