i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
