Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
