i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I checked into jail on foursquare
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
