there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
