Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Fuck appropriateness.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize