last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
