okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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