Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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