No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
