all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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