you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
