eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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