My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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