seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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