I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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