u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize