He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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