and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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