I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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