my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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