Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
