he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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