when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
