No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
