your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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