I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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