This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
