yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
