If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
lets start a swedish sibling band together
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
