this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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