He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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